The best.. and the worst.. night of my life…?

Sorry guys I decided to start a new topic because we seem to have hit a new chapter..

I think I am officially engaged.

This has been a harrowing and torturous day for me.. good, then bad, then good, then bad.. different doctors say different things.. then it all definitely turned to mud.

Basically we have now been told that my.. fiance.. is going downhill, fast. His condition is not improving, in fact it is getting worse. The infection is still sticking around despite all the antibiotics, and we are now told that he needs to make a decision – the two choices? We do nothing, and he may have a few days, or we intubate, they will probably not be able to take out the tube and will have to put a tracheostomy in. His lungs are just too weak. And this may only give him another few months, or few years, and we would have to put him into a nursing home to look after him with the trache.

So, knowing this, we had a family conference with the nurse team leader, the nurse on duty, the social worker and the doctor, to decide what action to take. We all agree that a trache will give him no quality of life, particularly if he is confined to a nursing home.. we were all in tears knowing that if he left us it would leave a gaping hole. So among our grief at being told the two options, we know it is ultimately his decision, and only he can make it.

So I then mentioned to his family, and to my mum, that my only wish was to be married to him before whatever happens happens, they all agreed that it was his and my decision and that I should be allowed to put it to him, at the same time the doctor would talk to him about what decisions needed to be made.

So his brother and I went in with the doctor and the social worker.. we put the options to him and told him to think about it.. but he seems ok with the idea of being on a trache and being in nursing care.. I think this will involve a lot of work, but his brother and I both said that whatever decision he makes, we will support him.

The social worker then asked me if I wanted to ask my question in private, and I said that I was happy to ask in front of everyone.. and I told him that no matter what happened, he was a huge part of my life and that it wouldn’t change the man he is, that losing him would leave a huge hole in my heart, and that the one thing I wanted was to marry him, so “will you marry me?” and he said yes!

The unfortunate thing is that it is hard to organise anything on a Sunday.. but I will give it my best shot. I want to get married while he still has his voice either way.. it’s a hard thing to come to terms with him potentially losing his ability to speak.. but as I said to my mum, I’ve been with him so long, I love him so much.. and I’m not the sort of person who can walk out on him and abandon him at this time.. I have always said I wanted to marry him and just because things aren’t turning out the way we planned does not mean that I should neglect him when he needs me and all I want to do is make him happy.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Thanks all for your ongoing support. I couldn’t have made these decisions without you, even if you are only photos and words on a screen